Day 1

Do you ever have one of those days or moments, when you realize that you are your own worst enemy?

I deleted the quicklink I have for facebook. But I still found myself wandering there a couple times today. I'm not surprised really, I figured there would be a buffer period. A period of time where I would still wander there once or twice a day until I can really build up my self control. And I went there, knowing what I would find. Anger, annoyance, frustration. And yet I went there anyway. Silly really.

The good news is, I didn't keep the page open all day like I normally do. I was off work today, and usually on my days off work, I sit in front of the computer with a number of tabs open, one of them being facebook. Just waiting for something to happen. Something to bring out my emotion, any emotion. I started out my day this way. Not with facebook open, but sitting in front of the computer, watching netflix. Waiting for something to happen. But then I had this moment, where I realized that nothing would happen. Sure, I had my email open, but the odds of anything popping in there are very, very slim.

So I left. I got up and said "stop it, there's no reason for this. Go do something worth doing." So I got dressed and went out.

I went to Panera and had lunch with myself and a book. It was nice. I didn't even feel too awkward. I really hate being out. Even with people I like. But by myself, I always feel uncomfortable. But it wasn't too bad. There was a strange man who sat down across from me and I felt like he was watching me. Which was strange. But I finished a chapter in a book that I hadn't work on in a while, and that was satisfying.

Then I ran a few more errands. And I kept finding myself thinking "I need to hurry up and get home." But then I would stop and realize I really didn't. There was nothing at home that wouldn't be there when I got back. I need to start really enjoying and thinking about the things I'm doing, rather than just counting down the items to finish before I can get back to the house, back in front of the computer. It's not that important. It's nothing that can't wait. And it was nice having that realization. It was still a little uncomfortable for me. I kept having to remind myself that I didn't have anything to hurry back to, that I should just be taking my time and focusing on what I'm doing in the moment.

Tomorrow I go back to work, which will be nice because I'm used to not having social media at work, so it won't be quite as difficult.